How Fantasy Football Destroyed My Professional Life (and how it can for you too in just 5 easy steps)

Monday, September 4th, 2023. 5:37am

Days until I start my new corporate job: 0

NFL Week 1

As the sunlight peaks through the blinds and hits my eyes, I burst up from my bed in a cold sweat. Sh*t. I slept through my alarm. Not a good start. I rummage through the contents of the top of my nightstand, frantically searching for my phone, disposing of any book, notepad, or bottle of Adderall that stands in my way; I’ve been preparing for this day for a very long time. A warm wave of relief flows through me as I open the ESPN fantasy app: nobody has hit the waiver wire yet. “Idiots”, I chuckle to myself as I get to work.

The first few days in the office were great; my coworkers seemed to be cool, hours relatively flexible, hands-off boss. Not really much more a guy can ask for. At my desk, I toiled with my lineup ahead of opening kickoff this upcoming Thursday. I had a strong core with my 1 and 2 picks, Amon Ra St. Brown and Derrick Henry, respectively, leading the charge. Mark Andrews was my 3rd pick, a bit high, but strong tight ends in this league are far and few between. My points of concern were recently promoted Vikings running back Alexander Mattison and my quarterback, Brock Purdy, but I was willing to take the gamble. I even snagged this Puka Nacua kid that I heard people were high on. With my lineup set, 118.3 projected points (half-PPR league), and an easy opening matchup, life was good. But things didn’t stay this way for long.

Thursday, September 4th, 2023. 7:15pm

Days into work: 4

NFL Week 1

I was getting ready to head out for the day to catch Thursday Night Football. Amon Ra St. Brown was facing off against the Kansas City Chiefs and it was important that I kept an eye on my investment. My coworkers tried to tell me that my watching him wasn’t going to affect his performance and that I should not skip the mandatory team dinner. I was faced with a tough choice. And I chose wrong.

Amon Ra finished with 16 points, .7 below his projections. In a league where every half point matters and nothing is promised, his performance left me trembling and emotionally depleted. As I finished up watching the game on Youtube TV on my iPhone in the bathroom, my coworker approached me asking where I have been all night. I couldn’t muster the strength to answer him. In a frenzy, I made my way out of Smith & Wollensky Steakhouse and back to my apartment. Never again.

Monday October 9th, 2023. 12:30pm

Days into work: 35

NFL Week 5

The piles of paper on my desk are beginning to stack up, but so are the wins. Puka Nacua exploded onto the scene and has proven himself to be a reliable option despite the return of Cooper Kupp, Purdy is cooking in San Francisco, and I traded Alexander Mattison’s bum ass along with Hollywood Brown for Tony Pollard. Highway robbery.

I must admit though, the late nights were beginning to take a toll. You see, I used to set a 4:30am alarm every Wednesday morning to attack the waiver wire before everyone else wakes up but, after my post-draft snafu, I decided it was safer to just stay up to make sure I didn’t sleep past the alarm. Besides, not to make the comparison, but Nikola Tesla only slept 2 hours a day. Why can’t I? Nothing a little cold brew, Adderall, and C4 can’t fix (I call it an Energy Grenade).

The Fantasy Pro’s app going off in the middle of meetings did to prove to be a distraction, however. Not for me: for my team and clients when I would pause my presentation to catch up on the latest news and to see how it effected me. I found it disturbing that they could even think about money when men like Nick Chubb were having their legs practically blown in half. Corporate greed I guess. I kept my mouth shut though, as I did not want to come off as unprofessional.

Friday, October 20th, 2023. 9:30am

Days into work: 46

NFL Week 7

I sit bleary-eyed at my desk; Thursday Night Football had taken its toll on me.

I didn’t have anyone in the game, but stayed up because my opponent had Alvin Kamara. He finished with 62 rushing yards: fine, I can handle that. It is far from ideal as my opponent was projected 11.2 more points than me this week and I needed him to bust, but after a few coping skills I learned in company-mandated therapy, I would be able to handle the devastation with moderate grace. What destroyed me, however, were the 91 yards he picked up on 12 receptions. I mean, what running back is racking up 12 receptions out of the backfield?? I guess one with Derek Carr at the helm. Pussy.

My first mistake was taking clients out to watch a game in which I had fantasy interest. My second mistake was taking them to Blue Haven East. My third and final mistake was ordering a Miller Lite tower, but how was I to know that these clients were Mormon and didn’t drink? Whatever, more for me. I don’t remember what happened that night, but what I do remember what my boss said to me the next morning when he fired me, though vaguely, as I was too focused on who to stream at running back with both Henry and Pollard on bye. I went with D’Onta Foreman, who exploded for 31.5 points, and Darrell Henderson, who posted a cool 13.1 in his Rams return, filling in for an injured Kyren Williams. I set a trap that led multiple members of my league to burn their waivers on Zach Moss and Royce Freeman (idiots), and I walked away with Henderson, fresh off the practice squad. Where was I? I guess I did forget what my boss said when he fired me.

Thursday, November 23rd, 2023. 7:15pm

Days since my last day at work: 34

NFL Week 12

Weeks have passed since my last day at work. I feel great. I finally lost that weight I was trying to get off; I’m down to 130 pounds. My girlfriend is no longer in the picture, citing “irreconcilable differences.” Yeah, I’ll tell you what the difference is: I care about winning, she doesn’t. Most importantly, however, is that with all this free time, I have been able to focus all of my efforts on what matters, and Thanksgiving is the perfect reminder of that.

At the dinner table, I explain in great detail the nightmares that I have every night; my opponent blows me out by 40 points, Derrick Henry tears his ACL, Josh Downs goes off for 35 points on my bench, etc. My cousin’s girlfriend claims that she gets similar dreams, just about work, her voice laced with judgement. She doesn’t get it. And I don’t expect her to. We’re not all cut out for this life, and some just don’t want it bad enough.

But I do, and I did. I did the hard thing, manned up, and set my life in order. And you can too, by following the 5 below simple steps:

1. On Wednesdays, we don’t sleep. It’s really that simple and it separates the winners with the 3rd place-money back-losers. On Wednesday morning around 4am, waiver claims process and players become addable at the click of the button. With your opponents catching Z’s before the work day ahead, this gives you free rein to add (or drop) anyone you want with 0 repercussion. Industry health experts claim that you need 8 hours of sleep to function properly throughout the day. Something tells me that they haven’t experienced the thrill of going 13-1 in the regular season.

2. Fantasy Pro notifications stay on during sex. You may say to yourself, “I’m in the office, I don’t want to cause any distractions” or “my best friend is about to give his eulogy, maybe now is not the time”. Maybe it’s not the time. No really, if you wanna go 7-7 and squeak into the playoffs, by all means. But if you want to secure a top 3 seed, I suggest you get your act together and throw those bad boys on.

3. Celebrate the little wins. Alexander Mattison scores 2.1 more points than projected? Pour yourself a drink. Your opponent is starting Damien Harris and he is taken off the field in an ambulance due to head/neck injury? Pour yourself a drink. Your girlfriend heads off for the night to workout with her Cross Fit instructor leaving you alone to watch the game? Pour yourself a mother effing drink. Life has more little wins than big ones, and if you spend each day waiting for the whale, you might just miss the tuna…

4. If somebody is not adding fantasy value to your life, cut 👏 them 👏 off 👏 . I’m tired of people saying that they can’t catch the game on Sunday because their wife is giving birth. I’m all about the bottom line: How is that baby impacting your team’s projections? How does he compare to other players at the position? Is he injury prone? Be honest with yourself, evaluate all options, and if you have to, send that sucker straight to the waiver wire.

5. Don’t be afraid to give yourself a breather. Sometimes life gets in the way. You feel burnt out, you’re starting to slack off, we all know the feeling. You’re not a machine: do not be ashamed to ask your HR rep for some time off. Use this time to take a step back, evaluate your roster, and make some changes as you deem necessary. Sometimes we get so caught up in the chaos of life that we forget that we, too, need a break to focus on what matters.

I hope that something in this article was able to help you navigate the difficult balance between corporate America and your fantasy football league. My story is not one that the woke mob or coastal elites will tell you, as they prefer you weak and out of the fantasy playoffs.

I’ll leave you with one last piece of advice as you were kind and patient enough to stick around until the end: Remember where you came from, call your Mom, and give her a play-by-play of your matchup every Sunday. Once your jail time is served and you’re off probation, she’ll never be more proud.

Help a brotha out: