A Moral and Spiritual Analysis of Your Favorite Fast Food Spots

Despite my best efforts to take care of my body and eat properly, my late night endeavors often cause me to find myself in strange but familiar places called American fast food restaurants.

When I wake up in the morning from my doctor-recommended 3-4 hours of sleep and look in the mirror, one fact has become abundantly clear to me over the years: not every fast food restaurant is created equal.

By design, each of these joints embodies their own spirit and distinct brand, leaving you with a wide range of effects on both the body and mind.

I took the liberty of spending my Tuesday breaking down the aforementioned spirits of these brands, as well as how they impact your own. For the sake of argument, let’s pretend you go into each meal feeling like a 10 out of 10. Here it goes:

The Good:

Jersey Mikes

I don’t know many people that have anything bad to say about Jersey Mike’s. While you can definitely pig out with a cheesesteak or a sandwich filled with all the Italian meats, there are ways to eat healthy here via whole wheat and chicken combinations, something that most other spots on this list cannot boast.

Additionally, the face of their organization is a man widely considered in internet lingo as “a national treasure”, and is universally loved by all: Danny Devito.

J-Mikes is a safe, non-controversial option that won’t leave you feeling bloated or like you need to shower.

Brand Spirit: Lawful Good
Leaves you feeling like: Pretty much the same way you felt when you walked in.

Panera Bread

Panera Bread has every reason in the world to be Lawful: they offer a wide variety of healthy options that attracts the same audience that frequents Starbucks and drinks out of Stanley Cups. They slide into Neutral, however, due to their infamous charged lemonade, a product whose 237mg of caffeine was responsible for the deaths of 2 people in 2023.

As Evil as that may be, their otherwise innocuous menu filled with items such as salads and multi-grain sandwiches that don’t leaving you hating yourself is enough to power them through to a Good ranking.

Just as long as you don’t order the charged lemonade, for the love of God.

Brand Spirit: Neutral Good
Leaves you feeling like: You did something good for your body (but really you did something just not bad for your body)

Popeyes Chicken

Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen is synonymous with Chaos. One must only think back to 2019 where the release of their famous chicken sandwich led to literal deaths of customers due to fights surrounding their finite supply.

It is not the brand’s fault, however, that they make a banging sandwich, and continue to make a banging sandwich. Their consistency represents a dedication to their craft and to their customers, earning them a Good ranking.

Brand Spirit: Chaotic Good 
Leaves you feeling like: You took a bite out of one of the clouds of Heaven, albeit greasier

It should be noted that the only 2 restaurants on this list that have directly led to death are filed under “good”. Should tell you all you need to know about the bad guys….

The Morally Neutral

Subway

Subway is about as Lawful as any of these places come. It feels as though they have had the same menu for the last 20 years, and it leaves you feeling fine. Not bad, not good, just fine. You’re treading water by eating their food. It is the vanilla ice cream of sandwiches, the boxed water of subs.

The reason they don’t fall into Good is because of the 2015 Jared scandal, which arguably bodes worse for the brand than the deaths do for Panera or Popeyes. They severed ties with their disgraced frontman and obviously had nothing to do with his actions, but it is nonetheless hard to mentally dissociate the two of them, even still, earning them a morally Neutral ranking.

Brand Spirit: Lawful Neutral 
Leaves you feeling like: You ate white noise

Chick-fil-A

Chick-fil-A is a nice Christian restaurant whose strong commitment to their values leaves them closed on Sunday’s, leading to loss of business…. or does it?

One can argue that the shutting of their doors on Sunday incentivizes Christians to frequent their spot and prioritize it over competitors who do not take any moral stances, or only play it safe by following social trends. One would like to think that their taking of the high road is made through pure intentions, but one can never be too sure…

While they may seem as Lawful as they come due to their commitment to their values, they slide into Neutral territory via the Chaos induced via their polarizing political takes; it sometimes even feels like a political opinion to say that you love their food, depending on your audience. Few brands induce Chaos the way Chick-fil-A does, but their aforementioned dedication to their moral code offsets them into Neutral territory.

Brand Spirit: True Neutral 
Leaves you feeling like: A Jan 6’er or a good Christian, depending on what you believed going in

Hooters

Hooters almost feels like a relic of a pre-feminist America that was grandfathered in due to the innate capitalistic spirit found within the citizens of this beautiful country. Perhaps it wouldn’t be considered Chaotic even just 20 years ago, but in today’s climate, its mere existence is an act of rebellion.

Morally speaking, Hooters plays both sides. On one hand, it is a celebration of the female body, empowering its employees to own their bodies and wield them with pride. On the other, one can argue that it is a breeding ground for misogyny that exploits women in more vulnerable financial situations.

I personally think it is unfair to take a stance and it is up to its employees to decide; we do not and should not speak for them.

Brand Spirit: Chaotic Neutral 
Leaves you feeling like: TBD, I’ll check one out and let you guys know. For research purposes of course. 

The Ugly

McDonald’s

McDonald’s falls under Lawful because they are about as much of a foundation of this country as baseball and apple pie. They have been around forever and they will be here forever, whether you like it or not. The pillars of America go a little something like:

1. Free Speech

2. Democracy

3. McDonalds

They fall under Evil, however, due to the factory farming system they helped mainstream that treats animals extremely inhumanely. I’m not saying you have to be a vegetarian, but if you ever watched Food Inc in high school, you still cringe a little every time you eat a McNugget. Additionally, they have been providing Americans with heart disease for the last 68 years.

It’s not like other restaurants aren’t guilty of these things, McDonald’s just does it at a scale unlike any other. Plus it leaves you feeling especially lethargic and gross.

Brand Spirit: Lawful Evil 
Leaves you feeling like: One of the fat people from Wall-E

Dominoes Pizza

Dominoes is not Lawful due to its wonky menu; it is filled with items that other restaurants on this list don’t have the cohenes to produce such as pepperoni stuffed cheesy bread and “Cheddar Bacon Loaded Tots”, whatever the hell that might be. They aren’t Chaotic either, however, due to their consistency and accessibility; no matter where you are in the country, you’re probably 15min from a Dominoes. They don’t leave you guessing.

Dominoes Pizza is pure Evil, however, due to the way they make you feel. If I decide to order Dominoes, I am accepting that my day is over; I will soon be in a food-induced coma, asleep on my couch, with a shirt filled with bread crumbs and melted cheese. It will take 3-4 days to work the meal off and get back into a normal headspace, my work and interpersonal performances struggling drastically in the mean time. It is basically the heroin of fast food.

Brand Spirit: Neutral Evil 
Leaves you feeling like: You just OD’d

Taco Bell

Taco Bell has a history of including utterly Chaotic items on their menu such as the Kit-Kat Quesadilla, The 7 Layer Burrito, and the Naked Egg Taco, just to name a few. If they weren’t Chaotic enough of a brand, they even went as far as to open up Taco Bell Cantina in select locations, which serves alcohol.

Taco Bell as a brand isn’t just pure Chaos, so are its customers. If you only eat it at 4am after 12 too many drinks, you are indulging in Chaos. If you are crazy enough to eat it sober during the day, you are equally as Chaotic, if not more.

They are Evil due to their food quality and inconsistency, as well as the havoc they wreak on your body. The idea of their food is so much better than the execution, and it is almost never worth feeling like garbage afterwards.

Brand Spirit: Chaotic Evil 
Leaves you feeling like: Your digestive track will never be the same

Well, there you have it folks. Feel free to weigh in on the IG or Linkedin comment sections how you feel.

Help a brotha out: