7 years ago I said I would catch them all.

I wasn’t f*cking joking.

I crawl forward through the dirt using just my forearms, surrounded by brush. Any sense of where I am in this world was lost about 36 miles back, both in spirit and geography. I had been tracking a wild Comfey that was reported to be in the area from reddit user @Yveltal616 when I became disoriented. That was 6 days ago.

I use my remaining strength to turn myself over onto my back and look up at the sky. The Hawaiian mountains may be unforgiving but God are they beautiful…

Light is funneled down through a collection of trees as if the Heavens are shining a spotlight onto me.

As a pack of wolves clean up the trail of blood I left behind about 2 miles back, I roll over, take what might be my final breath and think, “What happened to all the hustlers?”

7 YEARS EARLIER

JULY 6, 2016

Me, Benny “The Bear” Murullo, Sean DeFazio, Little Mikey Brescani, and Dan “Bingo” Bingarelli whipped onto Greenwich avenue in 2016 Honda Odyssey blasting “Can’t Hear Me Knocking” by the Rolling Stones. It’s about 8:35pm on a hot summer night and a wild Kabuto was reportedly in our area. We were all home for Summer break and the game had come out about 2 weeks ago.

As we turn the corner, we see a group of kids we went to high school with. No words needed to be exchanged for us to know why we were there.

It didn’t matter that there were 7 of us and only one Kabuto; we were all able to catch it. The real pride, however, was catching it first.

The group meandered around the back alley of a pizza parlor hoping to be the one who’s service was good enough for it to spawn for them first and we were getting antsy. 2 of the 3 of the opposing group had given up, and I was getting pressure from my boys to follow suit. It wasn’t long before they did.

15 minutes had gone by and this other kid, Jimmy Peetz, were still pacing around this alley as if one of us had lost an engagement ring, while my boys waited on the sideline. While one eye was glued to my phone screen, the other was locked on Jimmy; this was no longer about Kabuto. This was about pride. For me anyways. In his naive, amateur mind, this was just a game.

The clock was ticking and I was getting nervous. Perhaps I should bluff and pretend to call it a night, leaving the Kabuto to myself (that is, if I find it at all).

Before I could say a word, I saw his face light up. He slowly looked up at me and back down at his phone. He knows I saw, and knows I know that he knows that I saw.

“Wait in the car”, I tell my friends. They exchange strange looks, shrug it off, and start to head out. I see Jimmy’s finger swirl around and flick forward as I start towards him with purpose.

My friends had barely turned the corner when I grabbed Jimmy’s phone and smashed it against the concrete, throwing him to the ground. Almost in unison, the Kabuto spawned on my phone. Hands trembling, both at my own actions and the opportunity to catch this rare Pokemon, I geared up to throw a ball.

Despite my shakiness, I achieved a Great throw.

One wiggle.

Two wiggles.

And on the third wiggle, as Jimmy wept in the background, the words “Kabuto was caught!” flashed across my screen. I imagine this is what taking ecstasy feels like.

I looked down at Jimmy and wanted to say something, but words wouldn’t come out. I walked away, leaving him to the mercy of the night.

That was the last time Jimmy came around that pizza parlor. Someone told me that he changed his name and moved to Oklahoma, though I can’t confirm that.

AUGUST 4, 2016

I pulled up outside my local barber shop in my same old Honda Odyssey. There were no more openings at the shop that day but word had spread about my reputation and they made sure they were able to accommodate me. A lot can change in 4 weeks.

I walked in and immediately sensed that something wasn’t right. Two barbers exchanged looks, waiting for the other to say something. Finally, Vinny stepped up and handed me that day’s paper. The headline read:

“I’m sorry, B. Guy probably cheated or something”, Vinny said sheepishly.

I stood in silence for a minute, hands beginning to tremble, before dropping the paper and excusing myself.

As I stood in the parking lot, hurling into a trash can, I swore to myself that when they rolled out the next generation, things would be different. Never again.

DECEMBER 24, 2016

My new wife, regarded colloquially as The Dutchess of Fairfield County, lamented to me on the phone about how I was missing Christmas. I told her all the right things but on the inside it could not matter less to me. The Johto region had just released 2 days ago and I was determined to finish the dex before anyone else. I put out my cigar, gently rolled my sleeping mistress off of my chest, and got out of bed to get some fresh air on the balcony, despite the Miami humidity.

I had sent Bingo down to the Tropic of Cancer to catch the regionally exclusive Corsola. I would’ve sent Little Mikey Brescani down to Florida to catch the regionally exclusive Heracross, but a few days earlier I had caught him trying to trade himself a Steelix off my phone which is not even a rare Pokemon. Lazy bastard couldn’t even grind out a few Onix’s. He died a few hours later due to a gas leak in his home. It’s sad when they go young like that.

Around 4 in the morning, I successfully caught a Heracross in Little Havana, bought myself a beer, and left for the airport. Mission accomplished. Bingo had tried to negotiate for a joint trade - Corsola for Heracross - so that we could both finish the dex at the same time and share the record, but I reminded him of the Shiny Scyther’s I had gotten his kids for Christmas, and the conversation was over right then and there.

The next morning, a crowd of around 150 gathered around local watering hole, South Bay, ready to witness history.

I looked at myself in the mirror in the bathroom, fixed my bow tie, and let out a deep breath. Showtime.

The trade went through, the cameras flashed, and a new headline swept across the nation:

“Greenwich Man Becomes First to Complete Johto Dex”

I shook about 300 hands that day. As I posed for my photo op with the mayor, I noticed a man in a suit standing outside a black SUV staring me dead in my soul. I smiled dryly at him, and he did the same.

I guess this is life now.

BEGIN MOTAGE

“Luck Be A Lady” by Frank Sinatra plays over:

-I walk up to a mansion and take the blindfold off the Dutchess’ eyes. She squeals with excitement and jumps into my arms as I smile with pride. I wave to the feds parked across the street. They scoff at my brand new Rolls Royce already parked in my driveway

-Bingo exchanges an envelope for a Relicanth with an Asian man in Little Tokyo

-Benny “The Bear” kicks a man in an alley for attempting to join a raid in our territory

-”Torkoal was caught!” reads across my phone. Envelopes are exchanged

-A headline reads:

-”Carnivine was caught!”. More envelopes.

-A group of men escort me to a Cresselia raid. People clear the way, eager to catch a glimpse of me in action. I notice the Feds watching in the distance. For a minute it looks like they’re talking to Bingo, but I tell myself that my eyes are deceiving me. Back to the task at hand.

-Another dex completion party at South Bay, this time for Gen 4.

END OF MONTAGE

APRIL 19, 2018

Things have never been better between me and my wife. As we exchange passionate glances at our table where we are joined by Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, Benny the Bear approaches me and asks to speak to me in private. Reluctantly, I oblige.

He doesn’t waste any time as we step into my office (I own the restaurant now). “I think Bingo is wearing a wire.” I pause for a moment, not surprised, but not ready to face the implications of the news.

I ask him if he’s 1000% sure, and he solemnly nods.

“He refused to take off his shirt when we went waste deep in the Nile River to catch a Sigilyph”.

That’s what broke my heart the most. Here was a guy that could’ve easily outsourced such an undertaking at this stage in our careers, but gladly did the dirty work himself. It would be a big loss, but he needed to go.

3 days had passed.

“Have the sandies?” I call out to Bingo as he sits next to me overlooking a lake in Pomerance Park. “Right here”. He hands me my favorite - a Guinea with cones from Rinaldi’s deli. I didn’t even have to tell him what I wanted; we had enjoyed our very same orders each time we ate there since sophomore year of high school.

The 3 of us looked out at the lake, reminiscing about the good ole days. It was surreal to think we were talking about our kids at the very place we once were kids.

That was the last time we saw Bingo. He was like a brother to me, but business comes before all else. Another gas leak apparently. I still see him in my dreams.

MARCH 29, 2022

3 gens have since been released and we were the first to get to all of them. It wasn’t even fair anymore, but wasn’t that always the point?

The Dutchess was pregnant with our 3rd child, but things weren’t good at home. I knew that the game was interfering heavily with my personal life, but I rationalized that I wouldn’t have the life I did if it weren’t for the game. It’s a give and a take, a lost art in a modern self-indulgent world.

Whether I liked it or not, however, the world had changed. Through my dominance, I had discouraged an entire population from playing the game. Things had gotten so bad that the game started rolling out pay-to-play options to give players a leg up and to line the company’s pockets to compensate for the steadily declining numbers.

I looked across the dinner table at my now 9 underlings who are laughing, joking, and indulging, almost as if in slow motion, and had a moment of clarity: When was the last time I caught a Pokemon myself? When did it all become about the money, the fame?

The remote raid pass had rolled out about 3 years ago and we were selling bootlegged versions to unsuspecting citizens on the street and on reddit. This pass allowed players to participate in raids from the comfort of their home without having to make the trek themselves, but wasn’t that the point of the game? To encourage adventure, get people out of the house, and make memories with each other? I excused myself from the table rather abruptly and headed home.

My wife thought I was crazy when I said I was putting Benny in charge for the week, packing up the Rolls, and driving from Connecticut to Los Angeles to hop on a flight to Hawaii, but she doesn’t understand the culture of this game and what makes it great, nor would I expect her to. I told her that I had to do this and went on my way, for what was meant to be a routine business trip.

Comfey is what I’d consider an abomination of a Pokemon - a dangerous cocktail of corporate laziness and a supply of ideas running on empty, but I don’t design the Pokemon, I just catch them.

It doesn’t matter how little I care for it and everything it represents as a Pokemon, I need it to complete my dex, so I put my pride aside and headed for the Makaleha Mountains.

Why I didn’t just open the app in the Honolulu Airport, find a raid there, and go home, is beyond me. Maybe it was the adventure I craved, maybe I just needed some peace and quiet, but as I took my first step into that brush, the only thought I had was: I think I made a big mistake coming here.

BACK TO PRESENT:

Yeah it’s not looking good. I had cut my leg on Day 4 / Mile 21 after falling down a waterfall in pursuit of a Lombre (I know. What was I thinking?) and had used the last of my bandages to light a fire to heat up the squirrel I was forced to eat for breakfast that morning.

I’ve lost so much blood that I’ve started hallucinating Jigglypuffs floating around me, singing Ruby Tuesday by the Rolling Stones. Is this what Heaven looks like? Jigglypuffs with the voice of Mick Jagger? If it is, I’m not sure I’m ready to go.

But it didn’t matter what I wanted. There was a quick flash of white, and then everything was black.

I stood in what felt like outer space: black matter, stretching infinitely in every direction, including below me. I heard footsteps but I couldn’t quite pinpoint where they were coming from.

“God? Is that you?”

“Not quite.” A familiar voice behind me said.

“Bingo??” I said as I whipped around. Nothing.

Before I could absorb what I thought I had just heard, a portal opened in the distance.

Two beasts appeared to be fighting for what looks like my soul which was now hovering over my body.

I felt as though my body was being pulled in 2 different directions by invisible forces. Darkness, light, just like in the movies, only there was no Robin Williams to save me.

Before I could tell who won, everything faded to black, and the audience was left disappointed by a cliff hanger ending, forced to debate it on reddit and Youtube until the end of time.

THE END.