Winner(s) of the Week:

Sorry-ass NYC football fans

Believe it or not, you are looking at the Week 14 NFC and AFC offensive players of the week. The fact that either of these guys notched this honor at all this year is a shocker, let alone on the same week. Enjoy it while it lasts, New Yorkers, because reality sets in fast.

Woman of the Week:

Flo Hackman

Florence Hackman turned 105 years old on Saturday, celebrating with football, fireball shots, and a party that included her local fire department. If she’s partying like this at 105, you can only imagine what she was like 80 years ago… absolute FORCE.

Matrix L of the Week:

Shohei Ohtani scams LA

The structure of Shohei Ohtani’s eye-popping $700M / 10 year contract has some people scratching their heads… he is set to receive just 2 million dollars a year until the contract is over, where he will then get paid out the rest. The catch? He will be so out of LA by then, saving as much as $98 million dollars in taxes. Shohei is an American at heart, leaving Gavin Newsom crying, screaming, and throwing up.

The contract is also a huge win for the Dodgers, click here for the breakdown via some of the best/funniest AI I’ve ever seen.

Clown of the Week:

Aidan Maese-Czeropski

Senate aide Aidan Maese-Czeropski was canned after filming himself having sex in the senate hearing room, which he blamed on homophobia(?).

National hero George Santos shut down that crazy excuse FAST and did not mince words:

Quote of the Week:

“When life hands you lemons, Joe Biden kills you with them”- Unfortunately fake Donald Trump

Even if you hate Trump, you can’t deny that an hour long Netflix special would be wildly entertaining.

Date Spot of the Week:

Cozy Royale (Williamsburg)

Cuisine: Upscale Bar Food

Pro’s:
-Great cocktails
-Not too pricey

Good for Date #: 1-3

Need Hinge advice? Write in here and our experts will get back to you via email or anonymously in a timely manner.

Fit of the Week:

Kirk Cousins

You were probably expecting Tommy Devito’s agent, but that’d be too easy. I’m Italian-American so it was very tempting, but I’m also from Connecticut, so to see my culture represented on the grand stage well, *sniffles*, it just brought a tear to my eye. Representation matters, thank you Kirk.

Hoss or Toss:

Santa Con

Hoss: Fun excuse to dress up and get yammed with your friends during the day, after what’s usually a quiet November events-wise.

Toss: Terrible traffic, usually too young a crowd.

What do you think?

Fantasy Advice of the Week:

For all the petty kings/queens that missed playoffs this year, dump all your remaining waiver budget onto the hottest targets to cuck the contenders. You’ve suffered enough this year, time to have some fun with it.

Need fantasy advice? Write in here and our experts will get back to you in a timely manner.

Random Athlete Generator:

Alfonso Soriano

Jersey of the Week:

Winnipeg Jets New Alternate Jersey

DAWG of the Week:

Rob Ray (Buffalo Sabres Announcer)

Credit: The Yellow King

Rob Ray took one to the dome mid-broadcast, but that didn’t stop him from finishing the job. #HockeyGuy.

[Spoiler Free] Movie Review of the Week:

Godzilla Minus One

I’ll be honest, when a half-baked Big Rizz texted me raving about Godzilla Minus One, I was a bit skeptical. But as the texts kept pouring in, I noticed that this film notched a 98% on Rotten Tomatoes. Now while Rotten Tomatoes are absolutely by no stretch of the imagination the judge, jury, and executioner of a movies quality, it is rare to see a tentpole CGI-fest with such good critical reviews. So without further ado, here is why you should see Godzilla Minus One, from guest reviewer, Big Rizz:

1. Spectacular Visual Effects: Godzilla boasts cutting-edge visual effects that bring the iconic monster to life in a way that captivates audiences, showcasing the pinnacle of CGI technology without it feeling too CGI-y.

2. Epic Cinematic Scale: The film offers a grand and immersive cinematic experience with its colossal battles and city-destroying scenes, creating a sense of awe and scale rarely seen in other movies. Watching this movie on Imax was totally wild, the noise in the theater was also bellowing.

3. Nostalgic Appeal: Godzilla appeals to long-time fans while introducing the iconic creature to a new generation, successfully bridging the gap between past and present audiences.

4. Innovative Sound Design: The movie's sound design, especially the iconic roar of Godzilla, adds a unique and memorable auditory element, contributing to the overall immersive experience.

5. Compelling Storyline: Beyond the monster battles, Godzilla delivers a compelling storyline with depth, exploring themes that resonate with viewers and elevating it beyond a mere spectacle. The story, above everything else makes this movie a contender for movie of the year.

6. Global Cultural Impact: Godzilla's international appeal and recognition make it a cultural phenomenon, contributing to its significance in the film industry and potentially earning it the recognition of a global audience. It was only supposed to run for a few weeks in the USA, but due to its success was continually renewed.

7. Critical Acclaim: Positive reviews from critics praising aspects like direction, acting, and overall execution can contribute to Godzilla's candidacy for movie of the year, reflecting both popular and critical success.

Great review, Big Rizz. Makes me want to just kiss you on the head :)

Christmas Song of the Week:

Santa Visits Everyone by Sia (2022)

Wellness Tip of the Week:

Start your day with lemon water.

It:

-Aids the digestive system
-Provides Vitamin C
-Helps prevent kidney stones

Wisdom of the Week:

Sunday Motivation:

On the journey vs the end goal

Credit: The Yellow King

Fan of the Week:

John Morcos

Q: What would your MLB walkup song be and why?

J Morcos: My selection of "Cornfield Chase" by Hans Zimmer as a walk-out song is not just an unusual choice, but a calculated move to gain a psychological edge. This instrumental masterpiece, known for its presence in the film 'Interstellar', is a deliberate ploy to unsettle the fielding team. Its serene yet intense progression is likely to provoke a moment of bewilderment, making the opposition question the normalcy of the situation. This temporary disorientation is akin to leading them through their own metaphysical 'cornfield' - a realm of uncertainty and unexpectedness.

Furthermore, the song acts as a metaphor for the journey I intend to take them on with my performance. Just as the characters in 'Interstellar' navigate through uncharted territories, I aim to lead the fielding team on an unpredictable chase – metaphorically through their own 'cornfields' – as I strategically hit the ball. The choice of a cinematic, non-traditional baseball song disrupts the conventional game-day atmosphere, giving me a subtle yet impactful psychological advantage. It's not just a walk-out song; it's a prelude to the mental and physical chase that awaits on the field, emphasizing that in baseball, as in any strategic game, the battle is often won before it even begins.

Fan Question of the Week:

What was your favorite Christmas/Hanukkah/Birthday gift and why?

Asked by: The Yellow King

Great question, Yellow King. A lot more wholesome and holiday-friendly than the other question I was debating answering, “What are your thoughts on Alex Jones?” (Credit: PaulAllen830)

I’m Jewish and Catholic so I celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah + my birthday falls on Dec 23rd so there were many great gifts to choose one. I broke it into favorite gift as a kid, and favorite gift as an adult.

Favorite gift as a kid: This Chicago Bears helmet.

My parents didn’t let me and my brother play football, but it didn’t stop me from asking for a helmet for my birthday and laying on illegal hits against a defensless receiver in my backyard.

Favorite gift as an adult: An authentic Salvador Dali sketch of Jonah and the Whale

I’ll admit, I still ask for jerseys and knick-knacks any chance I can get, but as far as mature, “adult” gifts, this one takes the cake.

Jonah and the Whale is an epic story of destiny, purpose, and rebirth, and hanging it above my bed serves as a constant reminder to keep my eyes on the prize, and what can and will happen if I don’t.

The Mav Cam:

Leaderboard:

Totals reset at the end of each month

and a Meme for the Road: