Have something you’d like to contribute? Click here to submit a nomination for next week’s edition.

Each submission made is 1 point, every submission accepted is 5. A winner and a corresponding prize will be announced at the end of each month 🏆

Winners of the Week:

Unreal Weekly Roundup Marathon Finishers

Can’t even begin to fathom the amount of pain the marathon finishers are in right now. I ripped a half 4 years ago and thought I was king sh*t. Couldn’t walk properly for 2 days. These guys are in super-human condition, and have super-human will. Congrats to everyone who finished, as you are now a part of the .01% of people in the world who have achieved this feat.

Here are a few key takeaways from UWR subscriber, Emily Fisher:

-I’ve had so many setbacks this year with injuries, identity crisis, being unemployed, training in 95 degree weather - and with that I’ve created so much self doubt, but what I’ve really just done is proved to myself I can do hard sh*t and I’m more capable than what my mind will ever let me believe.

-Take an edible at mile 18 and cruise control will set you free.

-I will be boycotting Cliff Bloks forever and am selling my 50 pack for a steep discount. Do not recommend eating those for 5 hours straight with an anxious stomach.

Loser of the Week:

Sam Bankman-Fried

“SBF” was found guilty of all charges and is currently staring down the barrel of a 115 year prison sentence. If you ever feel like you messed up, just re-read that sentence.

Man of the Week:

MrBeast

A lot of multi-millionaire celebs talk a big game, but few of them actually walk the walk. Jimmy Donaldson aka MrBeast spent his week building 100 wells in Africa, which is estimated to provide fresh water to 500,000 people. MrBeast is living proof that, just because you have a punchable face, does not mean that the aforementioned face should be punched. Good stuff, Jimbo, keep on Hossin’.

Soundbite of the Week:

Chris Broussard channels his inner Donnie Azoff live on-air

"I have, my first cousin, we just put him to -- he died a few months ago, a month or two ago. He was developmentally disabled. I didn’t mean to use that word."

I could listen to a 10 hour clip of this on loop; each time you watch it you pick up on a new absurd nuance that you didn’t notice before. My personal favorite is the subtle, barely audible, “You can’t use that word… but sure”.

Clown of the Week:

Roger Goodell

There were 31 on-field fines this week. A lot of them look like the above. As JJ Watt said, they are literally robbing players of money. Not everyone has that Burrow bag, and a lot of these guys only last 2-3 years; $20K goes a long way.

Diontae Johnson was also fined $25K for criticism of officials. I know another place where you get punished for criticizing officials, its just North of South Korea…

Something tells me this won’t be Rog’s last appearance in this category.

Date Spot of the Week:

Red Hook Tavern (Brooklyn)

Cuisine: American

Please enjoy a special guest review from The Yellow King:

Nestled in the quiet neighborhood of Red Hook, this intimate, dimly lit setting feels like an escape from Manhattan but is only a short Uber ride from downtown. The service is exceptional and this is one of very few places you feel like royalty while still ordering a burger as your main dish. The burger is arguably one of the best in the city and is more “traditional” than Manhattan newcomer Au Cheval. The cocktails are exceptional as are the other appetizer options like French Onion soup, kale salad, and the wedge salad with slab bacon. Great spot to make you look a pro for your 2nd, 3rd, or 40th date with your companion.

-The Yellow King

Need Hinge advice? Write in here and our experts will get back to you via email or anonymously in a timely manner.

Fantasy Advice of the Week:

Stash Leonard Fournette

I was shocked when Fournette entered this season as a free agent, but it was only time before a team decided to take a chance on him. And with legs like that, can you blame them?

James Cook is simply not an RB1 and will likely be forced into a timeshare with Lenny. At the very most, Fournette could turn into a solid deep-league flex, at the very least, he’ll be irrelevant and you’ll forget that you read this. Don’t trade a night with your wife for him per se (more on that later…), but if you have room on your roster, snag him and see how things pan out.

Need fantasy advice? Write in here and our experts will get back to you in a timely manner.

Random Athlete Generator:

Knowshon Moreno

Jersey of the Week:

Tennessee Titans Houston Oilers Throwbacks

DAWG of the Week:

TJ Watt

Hoss or Toss:

Trading a night with your wife for Christian McCaffrey

Hoss: Win your league by any means necessary. No feelings attached, strictly business. Dare we call it Sigma?

Toss: Dude don’t you like… love that woman? I feel like banging your wife is worth more bragging rights than beating you in fantasy, idk, could just be me…

(This is really a trap poll to see which reader will win “Cuck of the Week” next week.)

Movie of the Week:

Nightmare Alley (2021)

Key Cast:
Bradley Cooper
Cate Blanchett
Rooney Mara
Willem Dafoe
Richard Jenkins

Where to Watch: Hulu 

Guillermo del Toro’s remake of the 1948 classic flew criminally under the radar as it came out in that weird COVID purgatory era in January 2021 where some people were living their lives while the others were still burrowed away indoors. What people missed out on was a thrilling and psychologically / philosophically stimulating stress test with some beautiful shots and set pieces. You’ll walk away from the theater still thinking about Bradley Cooper’s character for days to come.

Click here to watch the trailer, it slaps.

Song of the Week:

(Don’t Fear) the Reaper by Blue Oyster Colt (1976)

Meme of the Week:

Wisdom of the Week:

Monday Motivation:

WARNING: Do not watch this if you have already drank your coffee or have engaged in any other stimulants, as your heart rate will not be able to handle the spike it is about to experience.

Hoss of the Week:

John “Fitzy” Fitzgerald

Q: Who was your favorite athlete growing up and why?

Fitzgerald: Tiger Woods is undoubtedly my favorite athlete growing up. Not only is he the greatest to play the game but he had enormous swagger and charisma. Watching him wear the victory red on championship Sunday's is iconic for the sport of golf and excellence. Tiger's Masters win in 2019 is probably the greatest comeback and sporting event I have ever witnessed next to the Giants cucking New England's undefeated season to win the 2008 Super Bowl. Needless to say, Tiger is a total hoss. 

Fitzgerald will return in next week’s University of Alabama special.

The Mav Cam:

November Leaderboard:

Totals reset at the end of each month.