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Win of the Week:

Taylor Swift big-dicks the studio system

Taylor Swift opted to circumvent the studio distribution system, going directly to AMC Theaters herself to distribute her latest movie, Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour. Besides snagging a 98% on Rotten Tomatoes. Her tour brought in $123.5M globally on opening weekend, becoming the highest-grossing concert / documentary film of all-time.

In an industry that is guarded so heavily by studio execs who end up taking the bulk of the revenue share, Taylor proved that she doesn’t need them, paving the way for independents and making the gate-keepers shake in their boots. Her power move even earned the approval of Christopher Nolan himself. Have yourself a year Taylor.

Matrix L of the Week:

Victoria Secret vows to “bring sexy back” after profits tank.

It’s one thing to not set unrealistic beauty standards for developing and impressionable teenage girls by using unhealthily skinny / heavily photoshopped models. It’s another to try to convince them that the above is in any way shape or form healthy / what people want to see. While critics praised their mega-progressive initiatives over the past few years, consumers and the general public didn’t, opting to vote with their wallets, leading to a revenue drop of 1 billion dollars for the former industry titans, and forcing them to face reality.

Man of the Week:

Taylor Swift’s body guard

The IDF has confirmed that the above Hoss has left the job he took very very seriously to pick on people his own sized: Hamas.

Leaving the comfort and safety of Taylor Swift’s box at whatever NFL stadium the Chiefs are playing in to serve your country in a bloody war zone takes balls that most people simply do not have. If I were Hamas (which I am not, plz do not drone strike me @IDF), I would be pissing my pants right now. And rightfully so.

The Unreal Weekly Roundup has been compromised by Swifties. Send ransom of $12M if you want to see Blake alive again.

Clown of the Week:

The brains behind the Damar Hamlin Mobile

This looks like something out of an SNL gag.

Imagine seeing this parked next to the field before the game? Hey [insert player here], remember the man that literally died on the field last year due to injury? Could be you! Now go out there and have fun 😊 

Date Spot of the Week:

Crown Alley (West Village)

Cuisine: Bar food
Pro’s: Quiet, mood lighting, walking distance from John Morcos’ apartment if you want a pre-date pump up speech from your ol’ pal
Con’s: Have to call to make a reservation 😡 (but probably no need)
Good for Date #: 1-3
Secret Sauce: Try Texas’ very own Ranch Water

Need Hinge advice? Write in here and our experts will get back to you via email or anonymously in a timely manner.

Fantasy Advice of the Week:

Claim Darrell Henderson

Annoying because I had this part written out on Tuesday BEFORE he claimed lead back duties for the Rams and broke out for 13.1 points on Sunday… but alas; he should be avail in most leagues, and if you’ve lost some hosses to bye weeks, he should provide value for the next couple of weeks until Kyren Williams returns.

Need fantasy advice? Write in here and our experts will get back to you in a timely manner.

Random Athlete Generator:

Cedric Benson

Jersey of the Week:

Phillies Powder Blue

DAWG of the Week:

Mr. Bagent

Tell me that this guy doesn’t make you want to run head first into a brick wall…

With a father like that, it’s no wonder Tyson brought the absolute HEAT this past Sunday, snagging a win in his first ever career start, and the Bears first home win since September 25, 2022.

[Spoiler Free] Movie Review of the Week:

Killers of the Flower Moon (2023)

I walked into Killers of the Flower Moon ready to cry. I didn’t come close. Click here for a deep-dive into Scorsese’s latest critically acclaimed blockbuster.

Song of the Week:

Dreams by The Cranberries (1993)

Book of the Week:

The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck by Mark Manson

Key Takeaway: There is one universal truth: you are going to die, and to orient your life around anything else would be foolish. So with this knowledge, what do you do? Care about the important things, forget everything else.

Manson pulls no punches in this blunt anti-self help self-help book; he’s raw, blunt, and doesn’t beat around the bush. He’s also a pretty funny / cool guy that anyone who subscribes to this newsletter would have a great time grabbing a beer with.

Hoss or Toss:

De-Aging Tech

I was treated to some well-executed nostalgia (<-SPOILER) this week while binging Ahsoka, sending me into a moral conundrum regarding de-aging technology. I think the general public has agreed that using it to bring back deceased actors is wrong, at least I hope we have. But where do we stand on using it to make living/consenting actors younger?

While it may be uncanny now, its only getting better, and one day we’ll be able to perfect it. That’s not the argument. The argument is really about letting nature take its course and letting past characters well, stay in the past, and leaving their legacy alone.

On the other hand, as media and story-telling evolves, it allows to flesh out these characters in ways that we previously haven’t been able to, like with [SPOILER] in Ahsoka.

Where do you stand on de-aging tech? Use it responsibly, or shut that sh*t down?

Wellness Tip of the Week:

Use the below breathing technique for instant stress reduction

Wisdom of the Week:

Monday Motivation:

Lock in, and you’ll be just fine.

Hoss of the Week:

Jack Fleckner

Q: Who is your celebrity Doppelgänger?

Fleckner: I’ve been told in the past that I look somewhat like Glenn Howerton, best known for his role as Dennis Reynolds in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Although I have a poor track record of successfully executing “The D.E.N.N.I.S. System” and hope that I don’t display the character’s egotistical and sociopathic traits, he’s a funny guy and there are worse-looking actors out there.

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